Governor Closes as_forest

In a press conference earlier this week, the Governor announced his plan to remove as_forest from Counter-Strike due to the rampant fires spreading through the forests of America.

"We have lost millions of acres to fire this summer and I don’t want to lose anymore." The Governor said. "I have been forced to remove as_forest from CS to prevent the loss of more of our nation's forests."

The Governor went on to explain that the unusually dry summer with the constant gun battles going on in as_forest puts it at a very high risk of catching fire.

Many from the CS community gathered today to morn the loss of the map. "as_forest has been one of my favorite maps since it was released. I guess I will have to find some where else to frag," quoted [DM]Rumproast.

"And remember, only you can prevent as_forest fires," said Smokey the Bear as the conference ended.

Nude Hostage Models Encourage Gameplay

In a stunning report, researchers have shown that making a small client-side modification to Counter-Strike increases the chances of survival and average life span for hostages. By replacing the annoying, nerdy Half-Life scientist hostages with a more aesthetically pleasing nude female model, the trapped victims now live longer and can often outlast their threatening environments. During questioning, a bug-eyed terrorist explained his sympathy for the more attractive captives.

"OmG s3Xy b0dY. I LIKES, PTORTECT THEM BETTER."

After taking a bullet for one of the replacement hostages, a wounded Counter-Terrorist elaborated on his life-endangering decision.

"I just couldn't scream out another 'HOSTAGE DOWN!' to my team. Not with a body like hers. Despite the bullet, that hostage was kept safe, for two very nice, round reasons."

When asked to comment, the all-bearing hostage replied, "Let's get the hell out of here!" in what seemed to be a masculine voice. Women with low voices, or transvestite hostages? You decide.

Arctic Joe Collapses, Suffers Dain Bramage

Famed Counter-Strike celebrity and writer Arctic Joe collapsed and suffered a massive heat stroke Tuesday on de_dust, alarming fellow CS players to the dangers of heat exhaustion on the desert map. The Northern Terrorist was reportedly trying to buy C4 when he fell to the ground, sweating profusely through his parka. Witnesses say that nearby terrorists quickly rushed to the aid of their fellow comrade and transported him home to as_tundra, where he is now recovering.

A preliminary statement by an anonymous ski-masked terrorist detailed the hooded hoodlum's condition.

"I saw the radio messages first - he was asking for backup - so me 'n a couple of the guys went to check on him, y'know? That's when I first started to notice he was a bit delusionary. When we arrived at the rendezvous point, he asked us how to buy C4 and a knife. He'd always been a joker, so we dismissed it and went back to combat. Next thing you know he's on the ground passed out like a drunken frat boy."

Arctic Joe's condition can be attributed to his heavy-hooded, snow-white Armani parka he is famed for equipping on every map. With the recent combination of El Niño, a scorching heat wave, and the Democratic convention, the parka-packing perpetrator's stress was rising quickly. After a futile try to purchase a new knife he collapsed to the sand under the demanding heat.

"He was always wearing that massive thing," fellow CS player and artist scud commented as he quietly pushed pedestrians into oncoming traffic. "I told him to at least take it off on some of the hotter maps, but he never listened." Scud glanced at the ground and wiped his eyes. "Maybe now he'll realize that you can't buy C4."

Even with the current tragedy, others quoted the fluffy vandal's stubborness, saying his bright white wear clashed with every map's surroundings.

"He stuck out like a big, hairy, diseased zit with that bleached coat on," quoted a counter-terrorist. "Joe would be the first to die every round because he was about as hard to conceal as a hard-on in a pair of sweatpants, It was a field day for us."

However, the Northern Terrorist is still recovering in the frosty as_tundra, combining Neil Diamond tunes and Who's the Boss? reruns to ameliorate the amnesia suffered from overheating.

Home Shopping Network Announces VGUI Partnership

With the introduction of Half-Life's VGUI into Counter-Strike, Valve Software has recently signed with the Home Shopping Network(tm) for exclusive rights of in-game selling of jewelry, collectibles, electronics, clothes, and more. Cliffe of the CS team commented on the agreement:

"We knew when we added the VGUI to Counter-Strike that we didn't just want the users to buy guns and equipment visually, but also conventional items. Take a look at my room; see that complete, 128-piece Beanie Baby collection? Or my Richard Simmons "The Thin Person in You!" video series? Three words, my friends - Home Shopping Network."

"You simply connect to your favorite public Counter-Strike server, enter your information, and WON will authenticate your credit card," stated Sarah Gaines, a representative for HSN. "Within minutes, you will be filled with glee as you browse through your favorite clothes, music, household appliances, and more!"

In addition to blenders, cheese graters, and other housewares, the new VGUI will also offer users an unparalled ability to customize their CS experience. The usual assortment of flashbangs, kevlar vests, and grenades have been color coordinated for stylish applications on the buyer's uniform. VGUI shoppers can now buy an incredibly varied stock of items that will dramatically increase players' color-coordination.

"Ain't nothin' better than coming home, firing up CS, and using the new VGUI to get what I needed," stated a somewhat delirious Arctic Joe, recovering at home from his bout with heat exhaustion. "Now I can finally buy that Passion Pink MP5 that I always wanted and match it with some Jungle Red flashbangs! This is really a step in the right direction for Counter-Strike."