CT On Driving Rampage

Astonishing pictures have surfaced of a counter terrorist on a truck-driving rampage through many popular Counter-Strike maps. The driver, [NdM]SoylentGreen, has been described by his friends as a "ruthless bastard" and "script-writing son of a bitch," and when asked for a comment on his recent murderous trips through Counter-Strike locales, he only had this to say: "So I kill creatively. Sue me."

Sources say that SoylentGreen came across his prize in a game of cs_assault. "He must have been camping and got bored," says clanmate [NdM]Mr.Majestic. Nerd Mafia (NdM) clan leader BigJimmyBaldwin confirms the report, saying that "when he couldn't find anyone to snipe for 12 minutes, he just drove off." His list of visited locations includes cs_siege, cs_assault, and even the Half-Life deathmatch map stalkyard. The body count is now estimated at 20 helpless fraggers, ruthlessly run down by this homicidal maniac.

Surprised onlookers commented that they had no idea the truck had an engine and that the steering wheel looked suspiciously like it was drawn in. Newbie KiLLeR_KloWN commented that he "never saw no [expletive] steering wheel" when he tried to drive it off. "SoylentGreen jacked my idea," he complained.

Boy Caught Screwing His Silencer

"I just don't know what happened," reported the victim's mother to CSNE. "One minute he was sitting at his computer playing some 'Counter-Strike' game, the next minute, I heard vulgar noises emitting from his room. Sounds of vicious jerking caught my ear. "

"As a worried mother, I believe that this game isn't safe for my kids anymore." The mother reports that she is worried that this silencer craze will catch on, causing more and more teenagers who aren't getting enough hits with their guns, to start playing with their silencers. Mothers across the nation have protested the CS team as being, "a vulgar bunch of discontented perverts." Authorities have noted "the silencers do nothing for the game except promote vulgar activities in teenagers."

One Unitary Guerilla Platoon [UGP] member, Shortyz, was caught pleasuring himself with his silencer before an important match. "I just wanted to get relaxed before a clan match, ya know dude," hastily replied the red-faced clanner. Don't worry, it happens to the best of us.

It seems that no one can get enough of screwing their silencer. "It's just too good of a way to kill time, man," reports the CS team, who admits they do more of their fair share of taking out their tool. "I mean, you got a great game, but you make a game where the player can manually screw stuff in and out, it makes the game at least ten times as better."

Top Mechanic Quits After 23 Years

Earlier this afternoon, John Winthrop, head mechanic for cs_747 airport, quit his job. As he left the building he was looking at the sky, swearing and shaking his fist. Fellow workers and comrades looked on as he stormed off into the distance.

Airport officials commented on the situation. "Um, Mr. Winthrop is sort of crazy and we asked him to quit in peace," said Haley Darden, the airports spokesperson. Later that night we managed to catch up with John Winthrop at his residence and get his side of the story.

"First of all, there are always [expletive] terrorists running around shooting the goddamn place up." Said a disgruntled Winthrop from his home in Black Mesa. "You know that would fine and all if that was it, but these guys are whacked in the head."

Winthrop went on stating that these "terrorists" would run around yelling things like "Votemap 12" and "This map sux." He said other terrorists would also start yelling "This map rulez, dude."

He continued, "I don't know why they are so concerned with a map, they are in a goddamn airport," Winthrop added, "I mean, the place doesn't have a control tower or a runway. It is just some pavement on top of giant building."

A source that wanted to remain anonymous concurs, "It's on top of a building, how [expletive] weird is that? The secret government counter-terrorists are just as strange as the terrorists, I saw one of them fiddlin' with his gun and yelling 'Lag! Lag!' What the hell was he talking about?"

Unfortunately, CSNE could not gain access to the airport. We contacted Ms. Darden about this and she cited, "There is no entrance, they are all blocked off." Winthrop thinks its better off that we here at CSNE never see it, "It is just fucking strange in there. Those terrorists are always yelling about 'the new netcode.' Now, I have been working on planes for 23 years I don't know about no netcode. They are all homophobic too, calling each other fags. It's like a parade in there."

So why is it then that the general public is never allowed in this "airport' that is "on top of a building" that has "terrorists" running around yelling things like "Go! Go! Go!?" This reporter thinks it's a conspiracy, a government smokescreen to keep our attention away from the fact that Valve just messed up CS with it's newest patch. Gabe Newell declined to comment.