Smoke Grenade Causes Lung CancerWhen HeroDoD threw a
smoke grenade last night on the Mourning After VII server his
life became a "world of shit." Reportedly, that very smoke
grenade gave HeroDoD lung cancer, according to an
earlier-released Surgeon General press statement claiming that
Counter-Strike indeed "is highly addictive" and "causes
cancer."
"I've been coughing and hacking up lung butter for the past
three days, and CS fried my old nVIDIA TNT! Not only do I have
to buy a new graphics card, I have a find a new lung!" HeroDoD
commented. "Ok, I know CS is a beta, but come on! I blame the
new Half-Life patch and the CS testers."
Last week the Make a Wish Foundation purchased HeroDoD a
GeForce2 GTS graphics card, but they are still looking for
another lung.
Hostage School Opened
Earlier this week, a rogue GSG9 member donated his entire
$16,000 paycheck to the funding of a new hostage training
school. The donator, who wishes to remain anonymous, says he
wishes to "improve hostage communication, escape skills, and
the laws of gravity."
"In a game of cs_docks," the man said, "I managed to rescue
some hostages, but all they could say was the same damn things
over and over. They couldn't tell me anything important, and
they kept whining about wanting to get out. I can understand
being emotionally stressed, but I've been doing this for quite
some time now, and I wish they'd learn to say something new,
damnit."
The benefactor then discussed the hostages' intelligence,
saying his efforts were often useless in rescuing them. "Yeah,
I'd risk my ass getting to them, and then they'd get stuck
behind a railing or start bunching up together and having an
orgy or some crap. And then you know what would happen? Some
idiot terrorist would unload a Glock at me and kill all of
them instead."
He also was extremely curious about the hostages' ways of
manipulating the basic laws of physics. "Okay, I don't get how
they can't turn a 90-degree corner or climb down a ladder, but
they can float halfway across a room and hang in midair,
running in place."
The school, he says, will promote hostage intelligence in
future hostage rescue maps. "I hope they'll understand that
you can escape alive if you can just learn how to operate a
door and not get stuck in it," he stated. |
Para Fired For 2 Minutes, Nothing Hit
In a recent game of cs_siege, famed forum spammer MTG fired
his Para for 2 minutes straight at an opponent and hit
nothing. Sources claim that it could have been the working of
Valve's mischevious netcode or a new "Para cheat."
MTG recalled his experience, "I came back into the game
after 'tending to my sheep,' you might say. Anyway, I glanced
at the timer, and I saw that I had 2:30 left in the round, and
everyone else was dead. I still had my Para machine gun fully
loaded from last round, so I scurried to the CT base, hoping
to find some enemies there."
As MTG rounded the curve, he saw him. [FOOK]Mach5 ran out
of his camping place behind the rocks of the CT base, grabbing
the gun of a fallen teammate so as not to spend any
unnecessary money. MTG pressed the crouch key and clicked his
mouse. Two seconds later, when the command reached AOL, his
Para opened fire. Mach5 froze in terror. MTG was spraying
everywhere (literally); there was no escape from this imminent
doom. Mach5 closed his eyes and began to cry, as his personal
best 5/2 score would surely be ruined. But alas, this was no
ordinary battle.
Two minutes passed, and Mach5 had not yet heard the groan
of death he was so well accustomed to. He wiped his teary
eyes, startled to see the view of his gun still at hand. Could
it be true? Could MTG have really missed three HUNDRED shots?
The overjoyed Mach5 typed, "Haha, j00 suck, [FOOK] rulz j00, I
delete j00r postz." Stunned, MTG could not take the
embarassment. He made a suicide leap off of the bridge and
plunged to his death while the excited Mach5 scurried below to
pick up his forsaken sidearm.
"I couldn't believe it," said Mach5 after snapping a
screenshot, posting it on his desktop for his mom to see. "I
managed to survive the battle despite my unusually high 54
ping. I think I'm going to celebrate by making another
horrible Counter-Strike rendition of an Eminem song!"
After being laughed off of the server, MTG told CSNE that
this was undoubtedly the doing of the new netcode or a cheat
of some kind. "Even with my high-speed AOL dialup connection I
missed. I don't know how it could have happened."
When confronted about this, Gooseman had nothing to say
except, "The problem is neither the netcode nor a cheat. MTG
just really, really sucks." |
