'Bullets Cause Injury,' Study Says

The American Medical Association released a report today concerning the effects of bullets on human targets. The study, over 15 pages long, detailed the findings of over 60 years of research on the topic.

"We're glad we could find the answer to this question that has plagued the great minds of the world for so long: 'Do guns kill people, or do people kill people?' The answer was simple: neither. Bullets kill people," AMA director Jack Brody said.

"We pondered it for years," he commented, "wondering how a large metal object could leave such a small hole in the people it was used upon. We tried every possible way of fitting a gun into the hole it left after you pulled the trigger, but it was no use. We thought magic was involved, so we shot David Copperfield. That, unfortunately, didn't work too well."

Brody then recalled his revelation, "Then the new Counter-Strike beta came along, and as I got nailed to 54 health with a Scout from halfway across that cs_militia map, it dawned on me: bullets, not guns, caused injury. It was incredible. The entire AMA staff threw a huge party that night, and we all got drunk beyond belief."

New CS Soundtrack To Be Directed By Hanson

Pop band Hanson has announced its collaboration with the Counter-Strike team on a new CS-based soundtrack. "It's going to rock," Cliffe says. "Who wouldn't love those three cuties 'mmmboppin' a new tune while you're fragging someone?"

Cliffe stated that while music may interrupt the gaming experience, the new Hanson tunes are "undeniably good." He also said the new songs will definitely get a spotlight in CS by implementing the new "30-second-jam-session" at the beginning of each round via the extension of the "freezetime" variable. "You can buy weapons while groovin' to some mad tunes!" Cliffe shouted.

"..and when you hear these songs, you're just filled to the brim with love!" exclaimed beta tester keffo.

And in related news, the Virginia Regional Hosptial said that Cliffe's sex change operation went "remarkably well" and they "expect a full recovery."

100,000th Gooseman Interview Announced

Today Counter-Strike.de, the most visited CS site in the world, posted the 100,000th interview with Counter-Strike creator, Gooseman.

"I was chating n my irc," claimed site director [pater]creative, "And gooseman comed in, plus i asked him questions for interview for site,,"

"Ya, he asked the worst [expletive] questions! Jesus Christ, 'what do you make for cs?' I bake cookies, you stupid ass!" commented Gooseman. "Oh, and like I'd give out an exclusive on CS2 to some [expletive] German site...what a bunch of [---]holes.

"And no, I won't [expletive] fix the bugs, I'll let them sit there like I usually do, I mean what the [expletive] is with these freaks, do they run some message board where they all submit questions and just [expletive] ask me the same ones representing different sites? What's my name? JERRY [expletive] LEWIS! What the hell? Do they think my name's going to change every day like I'm some [expletive] convict on the run? What's my favorite [expletive] gun? My favorite [expletive] gun is the 10-foot-pole, WHICH I'M ABOUT TO SHOVE UP YOUR ASS IF YOU REPEAT ANOTHER QUESTION YOU BENDER LOVING [----]SUCKER!

"Oh and this one's classic, 'Why made u create CS?' If anything it wasn't MY INTEREST IN TERRORISM, LIKE I'VE SAID AT EVERY OTHER [expletive] SITE! And sure, I'll join your [expletive] German clan, ass."

When Gooseman was asked "when com version 1.0 CS?" he promptly took out his pistol and shot the interviewer twice at point blank range.

This interview set the record for the number of times "[expletive]" has been said in a CS interview, beating the classic "MTG vs. RzE" interview of Beta 2 fame. In related news, cs.de has also posted their 17th interview with cliffe, Counter-Strike's famed webmaster.