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Bomb Rescue Mission a Disaster
This weekend, counter-terrorists mourned the loss of three
fellow comrades who tried to rescue a bomb planted at an Aztec
archeological site. Witnesses say the Counter-Terrorists,
apparently still dazed over Valve's surprising model change,
got the scenario mixed up and tried to rescue the bomb instead
of defusing it.
One unfortunate fellow, ArcticCom, tried his luck at
interpreting the situation. "Well, it's an unfortunate loss,
but they were pretty moronic for trying to rescue a bomb. But
at least they didn't try to escort it to the rescue point or
some crap like that. Well, I have to go - my fro itches like
hell."
Hostages Defused, Warehouse Saved
Earlier today, an elite counter-terrorist force
successfully defused four volatile hostages that were about to
explode. Early reports determine that the Blargo Corp.
warehouse was saved from tremendous damage after the team
stormed the building and overthrew the terrorist force
occupying it.
One GSG9 member remarked on the happenings. "Man, it was
close in there! We rushed in, took out the bad guys, and got
in there in time to get those four guys defused. It was hard,
but we got about a thousand dollars for doing it correctly.
This is better than being a man-whore, I'll tell you
that." |
Players Find Something Special in 1.0
The remarks are heard by the hundreds. Counter-Strike
players across the globe are finding their marks with the new
player models introduced by Valve. And everything you've heard
is true.
"We knew that half of the Counter-Strike community has a
stick or some other foreign object up their ass," Gabe Newell
of Valve commented, "so what better way to reward them by
giving them player models that emulate that aspect of the
community? It's great to see so many people lash out at us
just because we used them as examples in the game."
While other players were wasting their lives posting the
962nd thread on "why teh models sux," others rejoiced in the
fact that they were an example for the new version.
"IT'S LIKE AN EARLY [expletive] CHRISTMAS, MAN!" player
TunkeyMicket exclaimed. "I never thought I would be able to
see myself in a game, walking bow-legged, turning my waist
almost 180 degrees, and walking like I have the whole Yankee
Stadium up my rectum all at once! It's awesome!"
Neither cliffe nor Gooseman was available for
comment. | |
Gooseman Proposes Solution to Controversial Modelsby
synthetic
In an attempt to diffuse tensions over the new player models in
CS 1.0, project leader Gooseman proposed a creative, yet highly
controversial solution to the Valve-created models.
 "Cliffe
and I have been getting a lot of flak lately over the new player
models in 1.0. Many people have proposed several different
solutions, but I think I've finally found the one that will please
the most amount of players," said Gooseman in a recent
interview.
Then came the big announcement. "I talked it over with cliffe,
and the two of us finally came to a conclusion. We decided to
completely remove player models in the next patch. Not only will
this get rid of several cheats, such as the aimbot and spiked
models, but it will add a new level of difficulty for the seasoned
CS veterans, who may currently find the game to be too easy."
To demonstrate how the game will look without player models,
Gooseman provided CSNE with an exclusive screenshot from CS 1.1, as
shown here.
Although most die-hard players have accepted the proposition,
newbies have already began spamming the Counter-Strike forums,
saying things like "g00s3m4n 5ux0|2z" and "TFC |2 |_| L 3 Z."
Despite these harsh words, expect to see... well, not see player
models in the new patch. |
Counter-Strike Retail Box Misleads Consumers
With the recent release of the insanely popular Counter-Strike to
the retail store shelves, numerous consumers have reported confusion
due to a misleading game box. Apparently, when picking up the
package, potential customers were informed that Counter-Strike
wasn't the only game in the carton, but that other, lesser-quality
games, such as Opposing Force Multiplayer, Wanted, Firearms, and
Team Fortress Classic, were added into the mix up.
"What the [expletive] is this?" a stunned clan member
syn|sickness exclaimed. "I'm just trying to buy CS, and instead they
give me 'the complete Half-Life multiplayer experience.' I guarantee
those worthless P.O.S. mods jack up the price at least an extra
fifteen stones! Now I can't buy any more Hot Pockets or Rice Krispie
Treats!"
Consumer Jon "JonnyElite" Harris underwent similar confusion.
"Obviously CS isn't professional enough to sell alone. I'd
suggest Valve change the name of the bundle to 'HL Multiplayer Game
Valu-Pak.' Man, it better come with some Hot Pockets coupons with a
price tag like that."
 Harris was
later seen putting back the Counter-Strike box he was contemplating
the purchase of, and checking out with a competitor's product,
entitled 100 Action! Arcade Games, Volume 4.
"If I'm gonna be buying a product advertising quantity rather
than quality, it better have a fat load of games. 100 Action! Arcade
Games is clearly the better choice. Did you know they made Pong in
3D?"
With sales of the 100-games-toting package on the rise, Valve's
Gabe Newell was quick to make a statement:
"To make a long story short, we made a poor name
choice with our latest retail release. Our customer support
department is in the middle of a two-week setback due to the
overwhelming upheaval from disappointed customers. We're issuing a
recall of the software, and will re-release the product with a
more appropriate name, "Half-Life: Unauthorized Annihilation, a
Multiplayer Add-on."
ValuSoft is similarly changing their product's name. The authors
of 100 Action! Arcade Games, recently made a press release
announcing their partnership with Chef America, the masterminds
behind Hot Pockets, and a name-change of their product to "100
Hot-Pockets Arcade Games."
syn|sickness contributed an optimistic opinion: "Crispy flavorful
goodness and a hundred over-the-edge action games, including 3D
Pong? I think we have a clear-cut winner." |
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