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Map 'as_ream' Denied for CS 1.0

Counter-Strike project leader Gooseman issued a press release today concerning the fate of the maps to be included with version 1.0. The bulk of the press release, though, was directed at famed mapper Lube's controversial map, as_ream.

Many players were expecting as_ream for Beta 7, but Lube said he was "stuck in a mess" and "couldn't get in any more compromising positions" in time to make the release. Over the past few months Lube had been refining his map even further until Gooseman delivered a striking blow to his work.

"It is in our best interest to not include anything in version 1.0 that would cause controversy," Gooseman was quoted as saying in his press release. "We just can't bear to have this 'mounting' scenario included in the retail version."

"This is unbelievably preposterous," Lube quickly fired back, "that he'd try to push this in behind me. Do you realize how long I've smoothed and stroked my brushwork in this map? Well, I've kept it in for a while now without pulling out, but now I'm ready to go all over the place with my new map."

The most debated feature of as_ream was the new "reverse assassination" (mounting) mode in which one Counter-Terrorist would be swiftly thrust against the remaining Terrorists. After many long, hard hours of slick action, the Terrorist that shafted the CT the most times was declared winner.

"I said it once, and I'll say it again - it's not like I'm trying to shove something long and hard down their throats with this new map's gameplay! Now I've added an escape hole at the end of the long corridor shaft so that if players find themselves thrusted into a wet and sticky situation, they can erupt widly from the top and win!"

Renowned alias-maker TunkeyMicket exclaimed, "Boy, this map sounds like a weiner--err--winner! I just want to bend over and take it all in!"

Gooseman later added, "God help us all if he releases this map."

Top 10 Counter-Strike Side Effects

1. Complete withdrawal from the community into an enclosed space with a mouse and a monitor.
2. Uncontrollable cursing and screaming. Loved ones think you do this out of insanity, but you can't believe you didn't kill that son of a bitch.
3. While at a party and someone is talking about something you don't care to listen to, you tend to find yourself thinking about where in the room would be the best place to snipe them from.
4. While walking down the street you have "Complete Situational Awareness," knowing full well those Terrorists are tricky bastards.
5. When engaging in hostile words with your neighbor for "those war sounds that come from your house at all hours of the day and night," you think to yourself: "if I had my Colt this conversation would be over with."
6. When your girlfriend's mother walks into the room you hear the words "Enemy Spotted" in your head.
7. Whenever you see a cop you have an uncontrollable urge to start jumping from side to side.
8. The word camping refers more and more to your playing style, rather than what you do with a tent.
9. You have a fascination with converting where you work or your school into a CS level.
10. While in an argument with your girlfriend about "how much time you spend playing that game," you respond very angrily, "Well when you get taken hostage by terrorists, don't expect me to come rescue you!"